The List

Last weekend I spent some time trying to write my half of the guest list for the wedding. I have been putting this off for a long time because it is freaking difficult. In the first place, there are relatives of mine whose names I have forgotten. It is hard to write their names on the list if you don't know what they are. Also, it is difficult to look up somebody's name when you don't know what it is (especially when the surname is as common as 'Smith' or 'Rocksteady'). In the second place, there are people whose names I remember but do not wish to invite but, for various reasons, probably will have to. Simply put, it is difficult to write those names on the list without shuddering.

So, to cope with this mammoth task, here are my thoughts on why it is so difficult to shortlist wedding guests. It is hoped that as I write these down, it will become clear to me who has the right stuff to get invited and who should be sent the wrong date, time, location and couple.

Before that, however, I need some warning foreword. This is not a desperate plea or attempt to shame acquaintances, associates, contemporaries or colleagues into nominating themselves for non-attendance. I'll still make the final decision whether you, or I, like it or not. Of course, this isn't meant to discourage you from nominating other people who shouldn't attend. You'll get bonus points and drinks for the best reasons why somebody else shouldn't be allowed to come. Those who are nominated but still score an invite will get the best prizes all (due to the risk inherent in me following the advice). Perhaps you may want to get a syndicate together?

Also, please do not go looking for any hints in this list to determine whether or not I secretly hate you. I have been clever and kept this a smidge vague. Besides, if I truly do hate you, I won't reveal it here. Stunning psychological torment is much more up my alley.

Anyway, despite all of the above, the main problem is that, really, I would like to invite pretty much everybody I know or have known because that would be totes awesome. Unfortunately, I am not a millionaire and cannot afford to do that. I am perhaps a thousandaire at best, which is still being very generous when considering the amount and different kinds of debt I am currently in: mortage debt, HECS debt, credit card debt, blood debt, and, most shocking of all, 18-months interest-free couch bought 15-months ago debt.

Clearly, I cannot invite everybody - but how to trim the fat? A lot of people have provided advice that I should just invite whomever I wish; the consequences be damned! This advice is stupid. Look at some of the complications:

1.) Good friends whose partners I cannot stand. It seems okay to invite just the friend, yes? Except, what happens when he/she shows up and sees that other friends have brung along their partners, even those whose partners are complete strangers? Although there is a definite upside - the odds of having to entertain the insufferable partner post-wedding will rise significantly - it's still not really going to go to well. Too much explaining and surprisingly poorly-planned lies.

2.) Cousins with family. Many of these will probably bring their very young children along (horrid in and of itself) but what of those who also have teenage children? Haughty, cocky, idiot teenage children with exposed hips and well-practiced sneers. Is it poor form to send an invite to Parents #1 & #2 & Child #3 only?

3.) Very young children. They're just going to be awful, aren't they. Gassy. Smelly. Adorable. Those are my things to be on my wedding day, you little punks!  And I'm not just heartlessly selfish and self-absorbed. The wee ones would surely prefer to be at home anyway.

4.) Workmates. Sure, I treat them all the same - friendly and collegial - but there are some whose company is enjoyable, some who are nice enough chaps but prolonged exposure makes it impossible to stifle giggles (at their expense) and then there are some who are just outrageous pricks. If you only invite some from the first category, the rest will know! And then the office dynamics will get complicated and bothersome.

Hum. I thought I would have more than 4 categories, considering how difficult it has been. I will publish now, have a beer, and perhaps return with greater rage. However, even if I don't, I stick by the following credo: finalising the guest list it flipping difficult. Probably much in the same way as actually flipping is difficult, I suppose.